发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我打算约同事吃个散伙饭
懂了，再见
今天，我打算约5个同事一起吃个散伙饭。我已经在这公司工作了2年半，打算离职了。他们跟我说，要想凑个大家伙儿都合适的时间可太难了，所以他们都觉得没时间吃这个饭。但当另外一个同事离职的时候，我们大家都去吃了散伙饭。FML
Today, I tried to plan a date with five colleagues for a goodbye-drink together, since I'm leaving the team after two and a half years. They told me it was going to be difficult to pick a date that suited everybody, so they already took into account that it won't be happening. When another colleague left, we went out for dinner. FML
自由
今天，我跟男朋友分手了。他的反应是：“谢天谢地，终于啊。”FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML
毛0的困扰
今天，想要给男朋友一个惊喜，我把“下面”剃的光溜溜的。当他看见以后，噗嗤一下就笑出了声，说我看起来就像只毛被扒光了的生鸡。FML
Today, wanting to surprise my boyfriend, I shaved everything "down there." When he saw the result, he burst out laughing and said I looked like a plucked chicken. FML
定义下“你活该”
今天，我在厨房里唱着《超级玛丽》大电影里碧琪公主的歌，老婆问我唱的是什么歌，于是我就跟她说：“是《超级玛丽》电影里的啊，你忘了？还是咱俩一起看的。”她说：“没有吧？我没跟你看过啊。”然后我才意识到她是对的。我是跟女朋友一起看的。FML
Today, I was singing the Peaches song from the Mario movie in the kitchen. My wife asked what I was singing, so I told her “It was the song from the Mario movie remember? We saw it together.” She says “No, we didn’t?” Then I realized she’s right. I’d taken my girlfriend. FML
养育歪道
今天，我发现其实我对巧克力根本不过敏。过敏都是爹妈在我小时候编出来唬我的，就是怕我长胖。FML
Today, I learned that I'm not really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML
666
今天，我出门跑步，突然看到前男友迎面走来。我想要藏到旁边的树后避开他，结果却踩到一个塑料袋上滑了一下，摔进了泥坑。他看到了整个过程，幸灾乐祸的笑着走开了。FML
Today, I was out for a jog when I saw my ex-boyfriend walking towards me. I tried to duck behind a tree to avoid him, but I slipped on a plastic bag and fell into a lovely patch of mud. He saw the whole thing and walked away smirking. FML
妈妈，这是我的荣幸！
今天，是我妈妈生日，于是我就带她出门下馆子，结果在过去的路上出了车祸。都是我的错。妈妈的生日礼物，我送给了她3根骨折的肋骨。FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday so I took her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mother's birthday I gave her 3 broken ribs. FML
风景优美的线路
今天，我为了取昂贵的处方药，花了几千欧飞回老家，然后发现这药在我现在住处200米外的药店就有卖的，不但不用开处方，而且售价还要便宜上四分之三。FML
Today, after spending thousands of Euros flying back to my home country to pick up my expensive prescription medicine, I found out that I can buy it 200 meters from my current home, without prescription, and at a quarter of the price. FML
快停下！快停下！
今天，因为肚子刚开过刀，我躺在沙发上休息。我老铁和我妈想着，笑才是最好的良药。就因为这味良药，缝好的线让我崩开了一半。FML
Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML
锁好门
今天，我没锁房门，一个醉鬼以为这是他家，推开门就进来了。他还想要打我，以为我跑他们家里偷东西来了。FML
Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML
地道美国
今天，在我肘部手术完重返作岗位仅仅一个礼拜后，就又因为糖尿病酮酸中毒而住了院，这次还引发了严重的痛风。住院账单有医保还要3200多刀，然后我还阳了。FML
Today, I have only been back at work for one week after elbow surgery, which was followed immediately by hospitalization for diabetic ketoacidosis, which caused a severe flare up of my gout. The hospital bill is over $3,200 with insurance, and I just tested positive for COVID. FML
缩头乌龟
今天，纵使我有节食并且坚持锻炼，但是因为甲减的缘故，我现在也超重了不少。以至于每当我去医院做不相关的检查时，漂亮的护士还得转着圈按压着我满是脂肪的腹股沟，才能让藏在皮肤下面的小丁丁弹出来。我讨厌我自己。FML
Today, even though I diet and go to the gym, due to my hypothyroidism I'm now so overweight that when I went to hospital for an unrelated check up, the gorgeous nurse actually had to press and move around my fat-filled groin to make my penis pop out of its hiding place under the skin. I hate myself. FML
身份危机
今天，老板喊我戴夫。现在所有人都以为我真就叫戴夫。可我的名字是内森，而且已经在这里工作了两年了。FML
Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML
身份危机
今天，老板喊我戴夫。现在所有人都以为我真就叫戴夫。可我的名字是内森，而且已经在这里工作了两年了。FML
Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML
累赘
今天，我明白了在你跟男朋友做，你说“我想要怀上你的孩子”，而他说“可以，宝贝儿”，然后释放在里面的时候，并不意味着他会一直陪在你左右。他是这么给自己开脱的：“是你说想要怀上我的孩子的，但我可没说我会当这个爹。”FML
Today, I found out that when you and your boyfriend are having sex and you say, “I wanna have your baby” and he says, “Yes baby” and ejaculates inside you, it doesn’t mean he’s gonna stay. He said in his defense, “You said you wanted to have my baby, I never said I agreed to be a father.” FML
胀气
今天，我在小隔间里放了个屁，反正谁也闻不到。2秒钟后，所有同事都来我的小隔间祝我生日快乐。FML
Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML
真相
今天，我发现自己是被领养的，因为我爸喝多了以后讲了一个特别烂的星战笑话。FML
Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML