发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，是我的生日
孤独男孩
今天，是我的生日，唯一一个给我打电话的人是我的领导。他想让我今晚帮他顶班。FML
Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML
一、二、三、四……
今天，本以为工作会很顺利。结果来了一个客人，付了我小400块钱，用的全是一卷一卷的5分和1毛的硬币。花了我一小时才清点完。FML
Today, I thought I was having a nice day at work, until I had a client who paid me $376 in rolls made of 0.05 and 0.10. It took me an hour to count. FML
爱就是爱
今天，我发现我姐和我领养回来的儿子睡了。人家俩人都说没问题的啦，因为他已经22岁了，而且两人又不是血亲。可我心里就是过不去这道坎儿，她那岁数都够当他姥姥的了。FML
Today, I found out that my older sister is sleeping with my adopted son. They both say it’s fine because he’s 22 and they’re not blood related, but I just can’t get over that she’s sleeping with my son, and is old enough to be his grandmother. FML
恶有恶报
今天，室友的女朋友来探望他几天，我俩背着室友偷偷做了。室友告诉我说他刚刚确诊了梅毒。FML
Today, my roommate's girlfriend came to visit for a couple of days, and we fucked behind his back. My roommate told me he just tested positive for syphilis. FML
重大警报
今天，我睡醒发现衣服里面被塞了个大枕头。原来是我男朋友想看看“我要是怀孕了还性感不”。我们已经谈了快1个月了。FML
Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to "see if I would look hot even when pregnant". We've been dating for three weeks now. FML
哦漏！
今天，是我上大学的第二年。我做了次验孕，这是我一整个月里唯一一次通过的测试。FML
Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It's the only test I've passed all month. FML
打断施法
今天，男朋友给我口，我马上就要丢了。结果他突然住嘴了，因为他手机上收到一条足球比分的推送。他也就停了几秒钟，但这一触即发的时刻被毁了。即便他又把头埋进我的双腿中，我也是毫无感觉了。FML
Today, my boyfriend was eating me out and I was so close to orgasm, but he suddenly stopped because his phone notified him of the football scores. He only stopped for a few seconds to check but the moment was ruined, and even though he got right back down there it just wasn’t happening. FML
差一点，但是还不够
今天，经过数个月的层层筛选，我成了我梦寐以求的工作的唯一候选人。然后，在没剩几天就能去做最终面试签劳动合同的时候，我接到了HR的电话，通知我说他们那休无薪假期的同事意外归来，他们必须得把这份工作还给他。FML
Today, after months of tests, I was the only candidate left for my dream job. Then, only a few days before the last meeting before signing the contract, I get a call from HR informing me their co-worker unexpectedly came back from unpaid leave and that they are obliged to give him the job. FML
泄密
今天，为了表现的好像顾客真的稀罕我，我跟同事说有人给了我12刀的小费。可悲的是，这12刀是我自己的钱。FML
Today, to make it seem like customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came out of my own pocket. FML
奇怪的关系
今天，我的新女友把我介绍给她最要好的双性恋朋友。听说他会帮着她做美黑，完全没穿衣服那种，他还帮她的私处做过脱毛，而她帮他给蛋蛋和屁股沟脱毛，也是完全不穿衣服那种。这种奇怪的关系已经超出我的承受范围了。FML
Today, my new girlfriend introduced me to her bisexual best friend. I can’t help but find it weird that he helped her fake tan, completely naked, or the time he helped her wax her muff, also completely naked, while she waxed his balls and ass crack. This might be too weird for me to tolerate. FML
估多了吧，老妈？
今天，在家庭聚会上我妈又当着大家的面谈论我的性生活。我17岁失去了第一次，我妈知道后骂我是个妓女。这次，她跟全家人说我在18岁时肯定已经是百人斩了。今年我40岁，就睡过10个男人。FML
Today, my mother brought my sex life in front of an entire family gathering. I lost my virginity at 17 and when she found out she called me a whore. This time, she told the family I'd slept with 100 men by the time I was 18. I’m 40 and my body count it 10. FML
快点下决定
今天，我被炒鱿鱼了。昨天是我的生日，他们还告诉我说要给我升职。FML
Today, I got fired. Yesterday was my birthday and I was told I was getting a promotion. FML
我是被冤枉的！
今天，学校里一个大块头过来警告我说，不许再尾随他的女朋友，也不许再跟着她从家到学校了。可她是我邻居啊。FML
Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML
干净
今天，男朋友抱怨说我老把他当小孩子对待，总是在我们打啵儿前问他有没有刷牙。唉我去，要是他能跟个成年人一样好好刷牙，我特么也没必要费这劲了。FML
Today, my boyfriend complained that I "treat him like a child" by asking him if he’s brushed his teeth before we kiss. Gee maybe if he brushed regularly like a fucking adult, I wouldn’t HAVE to ask. FML
愤怒管理
今天，我特别生男朋友的气，于是在他打游戏的时候，一把拽下了电脑电源。结果他电脑的配件烧了，现在死活开不开机了。纵使我跟他道了歉，并提出要给他更换配件，他还是跟我分手了。FML
Today, I was mad at my boyfriend, so I yanked the power cord for his computer while he was gaming. Turns out, that fried part of his computer and now it won't turn on. He broke up with me, even after I apologized, and offered to replace the part. FML
经典台词
今天，谈了一年的男朋友提出分手，说：“不是你的问题，是我自己。我挑女人的眼光太次了。”FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML
死路一条
今天，我有ED，最近还找到了个女朋友。她非常理解我，但我决定试着吃小蓝药片来重振雄风。结果吃完出现了罕见不良反应，一硬就是好几个小时，直接给我硬进医院了。我认输了，要不就是硬不起来，硬起来就特么要人命。FML
Today, I have erectile dysfunction but have also recently gotten a girlfriend. She is very understanding but I decided to try viagra to get things going. I had the rare reaction of a boner lasting hours that put me in hospital. I can’t win, it’s either no boner at all or a boner that tries to kill itself. FML