发霉啦
发霉啦：今天，我在派对上喝大了
混乱
今天，我在派对上喝大了，趴在窗户上往外吐。我忘了是在屋外了。FML
Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML
孤单蓝孩
今天，两年前我在公司年会上抽到了一份双人浪漫晚餐。至今还没找到陪我一起去的人。FML
Today, it's been two years since I won a romantic dinner for two from a work raffle. It's been two years and I still haven't found anyone to go with. FML
今天晚上播出的《菲尔医生》……
今天，是我女朋友的头七。在她自杀后，所有人都在不停的跟我说他们有多为我感到难过。但事实上她是个虐待狂大烂人，我很高兴现在自由了，但是我的家人和朋友都很喜欢她，我也不敢把真相告诉他们。FML
Today, it's been a week since my girlfriend committed suicide. Everyone keeps telling me how sad they are for me. The truth is, she was an abusive piece of shit and I'm happy to be free, but my family and friends loved her and I can't bring myself to tell them. FML
好狗不挡道
今天，我骑自行车的时候让汽车撞了。司机不但不下车来帮我，反而不停地按喇叭，冲着车窗外大喊让我赶紧爬起来滚开，因为他着急赶路。FML
Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML
法官朱迪和刽子手
今天，我怀孕了。截至目前，我已经听了不下20遍“做了个错误选择”的批评。我们不仅用了套子，我还吃了避孕药，而且我一直装着节育环。FML
Today, I'm pregnant. So far, I have been criticized about 20 times for “making poor choices.” Not only did we use a condom, I'm also on the pill, and have an IUD. FML
我还活着！！
今天，我发现我死了。对，你没看错。显然两天前把我钱包顺走的那个小偷死了，因为他的脸部已经无法识别，他们就靠那个钱包和里面的身份证“确定”了他的身份。听到我的死讯，“悲痛万分”的我妈歇斯底里的把我的房间砸了个遍。FML
Today, I found out I was dead. Yes, you read it right! Apparently, the pickpocket who stole my wallet two days ago was murdered and since his face was quite unrecognizable, they "identified" him with my ID from my wallet. My mom, who heard this on the news, got hysterical and started trashing my room in "grief." FML
地狱厨神
今天，我去参加了一个派对。在问过好几个人说这蛋糕里都有啥配料后，我尝了一口……结果却因为“绝逼不会有”的坚果而严重过敏进了医院。FML
Today, I went to a party. After asking several people about the ingredients in a cake, I took one bite… and ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to the nuts that "definitely weren't" in it. FML
不是你的问题，是我的
今天，我和老婆做了之后，她一直不停的在出血，医生让她留院察看。当她在医院过夜的时候，我决定在家里撸一发。原来是我的问题！我的精液里都是血，做的时候给她灌了一堆血进去。她没事儿太好了，但我这俩蛋蛋特么是出了啥问题？FML
Today, after my wife had been bleeding when we have sex, the doctors sent her to hospital. While she was there overnight, I decided to masturbate at home. Turns out it was me. I have blood in my semen and was shooting it into her during sex. Glad she’s OK, but what the hell is wrong with my balls? FML
你需要的是爱
今天，我的一个姐姐结婚了，她老公是在高中时曾霸凌的我两度寻死的家伙。她坚称这孙子变了，好像我该原谅他似的。每次他进家门，我就想逃走或者躲起来，想拿刀攮他的脸，把他的子孙袋给嘎了。FML
Today, one of my sisters is getting married to the guy who bullied me so badly in high school I attempted suicide twice. She insists he’s changed, like I’m supposed to give a fuck. Every time he comes in the house, I want to either run and hide, or stab him in the face and cut off his balls. FML
没下限
今天，我的邮箱里收到一封信件，告知我妈申请了减少付给我和我哥的子女抚养费。过去16年里她一共只付了70块钱。FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and me. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML
脱手
今天，我在厨房的地板上发现了安眠药，怪不得昨儿晚上死活睡不着呢。FML
Today, I found the cause of last night's crippling insomnia was the sleeping pill on the kitchen floor. FML
美好的生活
今天，男朋友和我分手了，因为他意识到人生苦短，他要跟朋友们一起好好享受。FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, as he'd realised that life is really short, and he's got to enjoy with his friends. FML
路怒
今天，我差点被车撞了，于是我就朝着司机竖了个中指。结果司机又掉头回来，想要把我撞飞。FML
Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML
计数
今天，我发现青春期的女儿不愿意好好刷牙。因为我儿子跟她说牙膏的热量超级高，她信了。FML
Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently, my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML
法官已经决定了
今天，我跟女朋友大吵了一架。在嚷嚷完我的想法后，我家的猫过来跳上了她旁边的床上，然后坐了下来。一猫一人一起瞪着我直至我离去。FML
Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML
有奔头
今天，结婚12年的发妻跟我说，要是我自杀了，那她就会更平和了。我辩称自己是不会自杀的，但是她保证说我一定会的，只是“时间”问题。FML
Today, my wife of 12 years told me she would be more peaceful if I just killed myself. I argued that I’m not going to, but she assured me that I would. It’s just ‘when’ that’s in question. FML