发霉啦：今天，我怀孕已经9个月了

否认
今天，我怀孕已经9个月了，孩子他爹突然决定说我肚里怀的这个孩子不是他的，而且还说现在想要修复我们之间的关系已经“太迟了”。孩子他爹除了他不会有别人，他找遍所有借口就是想说：“抱歉，我还是不了。”FML
Today, I'm 9 months pregnant and the father of my child has suddenly decided that the child I've carried for 9 months isn't his, and that it was "too late" to try and fix our relationship. He's the only man who could be the father, he's just finding every excuse to say, "Sorry, but no thank you." FML

笑死
今天，我特别喜欢的男人第一次承认了我的存在。可惜是通过一条短信，他写道：“笑死，你这肥猪。”FML
Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text, saying, "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

关你屁事
今天，就因为我在公共场合佩戴口罩，我被一个女的狠狠的怼了，说我还没从COVID癔症里走出来。我因为季节性过敏只要出门就戴口罩，而且从2020年11月份到现在我还没感染过新冠。FML
Today, I was harshly scolded by a woman who claimed I "can't get over the Covid hysteria" because I was wearing a mask outside in public. I wear a mask whenever I'm outside because of seasonal allergies, and I have not caught Covid since November 2020. FML

诱惑
今天，公司的一个女同事约我出去。她又聪明又幽默，还漂亮的很，傻逼才会拒绝她。但不幸的是她刚刑满释放，因为她用球棒暴打上个男朋友的小鸡鸡，还打爆一个蛋。我该怎么办？FML
Today, a woman I work with asked me out. She is smart, funny, beyond gorgeous, and I’d be a fool to say no. Unfortunately, she has done jail time for smashing her last boyfriend's penis with a bat and he lost a testicle. What do I do? FML

别诱惑我
今天，我犯了个错，我跟男朋友说我带孩子回娘家了，在他想好是否要继续当我的男朋友和孩子们的后爹之前，我是不会回来的。我们离开后，他显然是想通了没我们的生活有多快乐，然后就把我给甩了。我玩儿漏了。FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend I was taking my kids to my mother's until he has decided if he wants to carry on being a boyfriend and stepfather. While we were gone, he apparently realised how good his life could be without us, and dumped me. I fucked up. FML

永不满足
今天，一整天我都在屋内屋外忙着家务，修剪草坪，支付账单，去商店购物，准备饭菜，还清理了冰箱。当我坐下来享受应得的游戏时间时，女朋友边叹气边问我是不是从没考虑过要为我俩的感情做点啥。FML
Today, I spent all day doing chores around the house, including mowing and raking the lawn, paying bills, going to the store, meal prepping, and cleaning the fridge. When I sat down to enjoy some well-earned games, my girlfriend sighed and asked if I ever planned to contribute anything to our relationship. FML

咱们的共同点还真多呢
今天，交往了4年的女朋友向我坦白说，在她开始跟我谈恋爱之前和我最好的朋友上过床。有意思的是，我是双性恋，也在大约相同的时间和同一个好朋友上过床。FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years confessed to me that she had sex with my best friend before she started to date me. Funny thing is, I'm bi and had sex with the same best friend at around the same time. FML

共鸣呕吐
今天，大半夜我醒了，感觉床上湿了吧唧的。打开灯才发现我的孩子肯定是急性胃炎了，吐了一床。这时我意识到自己的胃也不行了，然后吐了可怜的小家伙一身。FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a kinda wet feeling. When I put the lights on, I realized that my baby must have had a stomach bug and had puked all over the bed. That was when I realized that I had a stomach bug too and puked on my poor little baby. FML

现在你知道了
今天，我喜欢的女孩子终于回复了我一周前发给她的信息。她说：“别再给我发信息了，屌脸。”FML
Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

情绪波动激烈
今天，又一次，因为我做的某些事儿，对象朝我大发雷霆。和往常一样，她不肯告诉我原因，只是说：“你知道自己干了什么。”而我也和往常一样，压根儿没头绪。FML
Today, once again, my partner is screaming at me for something that I have done and, as usual, she won't tell what it was, only that, "You know what you did," and, as usual, I have no idea. FML

够胆
今天，在我出生当天就把我抛弃在医院里的亲生母亲出现在我儿子的生日会上，让我给她骨髓好让她治病。当我严词拒绝后，她又试着找我儿子要他的骨髓来“救姥姥的命”。我儿子才5岁，现在哭个没完。FML
Today, my biological mother, who abandoned me at the hospital the day I was born, turned up at my son's birthday party, demanding my bone marrow to treat some disease she has. When I outright refused, she tried to ask my son for his marrow to, “save granny’s life”. He’s 5 and now won’t stop crying. FML

搞钉了
今天，在我应聘一家建筑公司工作时，他们向我展示如何使用射钉枪。教练射中了我的胳膊。我还没能拿到offer。FML
Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

听起来蛮合理
今天，新女友想让我辞了妇科医生的工作，因为整天到晚摸魏吉娜是种低调的出轨。女人，我花了4年的训练才得到这份认真对待的工作，而我们只约会了4次。让我在事业和你之间做选择，我是肯定不会选你的。FML
Today, my new girlfriend tried to get me to quit being a gynaecologist because she says touching vaginas all day is low-key cheating on her. Lady, it took years of training to get this job, which I take very seriously, and we’ve only been on 4 dates. Between my career and you, I ain’t gonna choose you. FML

听起来蛮合理
今天，新女友想让我辞了妇科医生的工作，因为整天到晚摸魏吉娜是种低调的出轨。女人，我花了4年的训练才得到这份认真对待的工作，而我们只约会了4次。让我在事业和你之间做选择，我是肯定不会选你的。FML
Today, my new girlfriend tried to get me to quit being a gynaecologist because she says touching vaginas all day is low-key cheating on her. Lady, it took years of training to get this job, which I take very seriously, and we’ve only been on 4 dates. Between my career and you, I ain’t gonna choose you. FML

尽职尽责
今天，我和老公都是在职。老公给我扯长篇掰扯“母亲的职责”还有“父亲的职责”。因为啥？就因为我得了新冠，让他去送老大上幼儿园，然后再帮老二换下尿不湿。就这么一天，我让他帮我干了点我的活儿。这都2202年了，而且我赚的还比他多。FML
Today, we're both working parents. My husband gave a lecture about "mother's duties" and "dad's duties". Why? Because I asked him to get our toddler ready for school and change our son's diaper as I was down with severe COVID. For just one day, I asked him to do a part of my tasks. It's 2022, and I earn more than him. FML

谜语人滚出哥谭
今天，我老婆特别喜欢游戏，所以她设置了一系列的线索，全都指向我们的约会地点，而她就在那里等我。何必呢！她明知道我的解谜能力有多烂。待她意识到我注定要迟到并最终接起我第50个求助电话时，我只解开了18个线索中的头2个。FML
Today, as my wife loves games, she set me a series of clues leading to our date night, where she's waiting for me. WHY? She knows how bad a problem solver I am. By the time she realised I was going to be hopelessly late, and answered my 50 missed calls, I’d only solved the first 2 clues out of 18 total. FML

累屁了
今天，我和老婆速战速决，然后她就出门去接我们女儿了。我想要健身，但是高潮之后我是没劲儿练了。于是我就给老婆发信息说：“鉴于最近一次高潮，我因精疲力竭而健身不能。”结果错发进了群聊里，里面不光有我老婆，还有我丈母娘。FML
Today, my wife and I had a quickie, then my wife left to fetch our daughter afterward. I wanted to work out, but after that orgasm, I didn't have the energy. I wrote my wife that due to my recent orgasm, I was too weak for sport. Turns out I wrote it to a group chat including my wife and mother-in-law. FML

战五渣
今天，我在托儿所当志愿者，照看一帮三四岁的孩子。他们觉得把我绊倒然后拿我后背当蹦床一定很有意思。我的胳膊肘狠狠的砸在地上。我被一帮学前班的细蚊仔给扁了。FML
Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

有点恐同，但还OK
今天，我意识到人们都觉得我男朋友是个gay，因为他喜欢爱情电影，园艺，买鞋，看杂志，还喜欢一个人在烛光中泡澡。在他让我和他相拥入睡而“大勺子”是我时，我也开始质疑他的取向了。FML
Today, I realized people think my boyfriend is gay because he loves romantic movies, gardening, shoe shopping, reading magazines, and bathing by himself in candlelight. After him asking me to cuddle and me to be the "big spoon," I'm starting to question it too. FML

可怜的小兄弟
今天，我室友觉得在我洗澡时把猫扔我浴缸里一定很搞笑。我不得不上医院去给我的小弟弟缝针。FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

疼死人的派对绝招
今天，我逮到傻逼儿子在小鸡鸡里插了根铅笔，因为他想试试能不能用它来写字，好练成派对绝招来泡妞。我命令他把铅笔拔出来，他也照做了，可是橡皮头却留在了里面。大礼拜天的我还得握着他的手陪他呆在急诊室里。FML
Today, I caught my idiot son with a pencil up his penis, because apparently he wanted to see if he could use it to write with as a party trick to impress girls. I demanded he take it out, which he did, but the rubber eraser stayed inside his penis. Now I’m spending my Sunday holding his hand in A&E. FML

见到您很高兴
今天，我第一次见到我的生父。他说出来的第一句话是假如我有一天蹲监狱了，就给他打个电话，他会让里面的伙计罩着我的。我觉得不会有第二次见面了。FML
Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

你在逗我？
今天，在晚餐被放鸽子以后，我打电话给本应赴约的妹子。原来她觉得我当时说约她出来是在逗她玩儿。FML
Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML