发霉啦：今天，是我和搭档合伙开店的第四天

蒸蒸日上
今天，是我和搭档合伙开店的第四天。开业当天特别火爆，但从第二天开始一共才来了两名顾客。我俩可是把毕生积蓄都投在了这上面。FML
Today, it's the fourth day since my partner and I opened our store. Opening day was great, but since then we have had a grand total of two customers. We spent our entire life savings on this. FML

有其父必有其子
今天，我前夫成功的把我们的儿子变成了翻版的自己，一位嗜酒如命的歪路子律师，被老婆讨厌，养不起小三，还因为逃税即将入狱。他俩简直是一个模子刻出来的。FML
Today, my ex has successfully turned our son into a copy of himself, a crooked lawyer with alcoholism, a wife who hates him, a mistress he can’t afford, and a pending jail sentence for tax evasion. They’re practically twins. FML

与丑相随
今天，我发现在我还是个小北鼻的时候，父母曾带我去瞧过专家，因为他们觉得我的脸有畸形。结果表明我只是丑罢了。FML
Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

啤酒肚万岁
今天，我被公司的迷恋对象拒绝了，因为我的“肌肉太明显了”。FML
Today, I was rejected by my crush at work, because I'm "too ripped." FML

双重背叛
今天，我得知老婆有个情夫。他比我更帅，也比我更大。他要不是我女儿的男朋友的话，我可能就默许了。FML
Today, i learned my wife has a lover. He's more handsome than me, and bigger than me. I might've been OK with it if he wasn't my daughter's boyfriend. FML

抢跑
今天，我拿到了成绩单，我觉得还挺不错的，GPA有3.58。但我父母看到我有3门成绩是B就急了，开始看哪所大学会要我。我这才刚上完高一啊。FML
Today, I got my report card, and thought I did pretty well with a GPA of 3.58. My parents freaked out over the 3 B's I had, and proceeded to look up which colleges would still accept me. I just finished my first quarter as a freshman in high school. FML

残酷与不公
今天，快要成为前任的老婆在被我抓包偷男人后，出于怨恨而打掉了我们的孩子。我梦寐以求的就是成为母亲，但我有不育症。而且这条FML还是我在公司发的，因为老板就连一天假都不给我批，说怀孕的人又不是我。FML
Today, my soon-to-be-ex wife aborted our baby out of sheer spite after I caught her cheating with a man. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom, but I'm infertile. Also, I’m writing this from work because my boss wouldn’t let me have even one day to grieve, because I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. FML

小点儿声
今天，凌晨2点多，我被室友在楼下客厅开的趴体吵醒了。早上8点还有期末考试，于是我就戴上耳塞想多睡会儿。耳塞还真挺管用，管用到我连闹钟都没听见，睁眼已经是中午了。FML
Today, I was woken up at 2 a.m. by my roommates throwing a party down the hall. I put some earplugs in so I could get some rest for my 8 a.m final. They worked really well, so well in fact that I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at noon. FML

小点儿声
今天，凌晨2点多，我被室友在楼下客厅开的趴体吵醒了。早上8点还有期末考试，于是我就戴上耳塞想多睡会儿。耳塞还真挺管用，管用到我连闹钟都没听见，睁眼已经是中午了。FML
Today, I was woken up at 2 a.m. by my roommates throwing a party down the hall. I put some earplugs in so I could get some rest for my 8 a.m final. They worked really well, so well in fact that I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at noon. FML

查理！
今天，男朋友把我甩了，因为他坚信我在爱爱时咬他的鸟，说我是个讨厌男人的疯子。这不是真的.我之前没怎么口过，我的活儿特别烂，而且我的牙只是碰到了一点点皮而已。FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he insists I bit his penis during sex, and that I'm a crazy, man-hating psycho. It’s not true, I’ve just not given many blowjobs before, my technique stinks, and my teeth touched his skin a little. FML

是怎么到了这个地步呢？
今天，上班时我不得不在同一句话里说出了“把你的玉米卷饼拿下去！那尺子可不是你的光剑！别再学狗叫了”。我在高中教毕业班的大学预修微积分课。FML
Today, I had to say, "Put away your burrito," "That ruler is not a lightsaber," and, "Stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

一个人可跳不了双人舞
今天，产检说孩子可能有严重的残疾，我们决定打掉孩子，而老婆却怪罪到我头上来了。我支持她的每一个决定，但显然支持她打胎却成了我没有更努力为孩子争取活下来的机会。因此，全都是我的错。FML
Today, my wife is blaming me for us having to abort our baby because the amnio showed it would have severe disabilities. I supported her every decision, but apparently me agreeing with her was actually me not wanting to fight harder for our baby to live, hence, it’s all my fault. FML

2010级心碎生
今天，在数学课上我因为“答错”了而被老师一顿训斥。然后他发现我的答案其实是正确的，又训我一顿，说我没有纠正他。FML
Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

收集套装
今天，我前男友和我表妹好上了。当初他就是为了她才甩了我的。FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend is now dating my cousin, and he's stopped hanging out with me for her. FML

公开暴走
今天，在动物园，我目睹了奶奶把爸爸的屎都揍出来了。FML
Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

管好你自己的柰子吧
今天，我去逛超市。我没穿内衣，有个陌生人说要帮我买一件，因为她不想她老公能看见我的激凸。FML
Today, I went out to a store. I didn't have a bra on under my shirt, but some stranger offered to buy me one, because she didn't like the fact that my nipples were hard, and her husband was able to see them. FML

永远不要惹CPS
今天，我那傻逼老公为了“恶作剧”他闺女，把一个猫罐头放在了她的便当盒里。学校联系了CPS(儿童保护机构)。现在我跟他得去参加一场听证会。FML
Today, my idiot husband put a can of cat food in our daughter's lunchbox as a "joke". The school called CPS. Now we have to go to a hearing. FML

艹内哥们儿(非字面意思)
今天，我约会对象见到了我的裸体，结果却倒了他的胃口。因为首先，我下面的毛没剃光光，还留了一道。其次我在刮腿毛的时候，小腿上的几个地方漏刮了。他在走人时的原话是这样的，“我要找的是莱娅公主，而不是什么楚巴卡啊。”FML
Today, my date saw me naked, and was disgusted that 1. I shaved my pubes into a landing strip instead of completely bald, and 2. I missed a few hairs below my knee while shaving my legs. His actual words as he was half out the door were that he "wanted Princess Leia, not Chewbacca." FML

有趣的家伙
今天，男朋友和我在卧室里快完事儿了；他抽出来，喷洒在我的肚皮上。然后他觉得现在正是引用史莱克台词的好时机，便说道：“我就说吧，雪饼就是比泡芙好说出来总比憋在心里强。”FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were finishing in the bedroom; he pulled out and finished on my stomach. Then he figured that was the time to quote Shrek, saying, "Better out than in I always say." FML