@ 2008.05.14 , 18:33
66

恐龙是如何做爱的?

感谢不是俺同学的投稿 / 原文,不是俺的blog

恐龙是如何做爱的?

译者按:
原文出自The Straight Dope ,这个网站由Cecil Adams 创建,此人自述:“塞西尔·亚当斯是世界上最聪明的人,这点毫无疑问,因为首先他知道一切,其次他没有错过。”Cecil为此30多家报纸提供消息,你提出的任何问题,他都能悉数解答。(真有问题?别问俺,发邮件到cecil@chicagoreader.com)

“恐龙如何做爱”这个问题实在2000年十月6号提出的,算是个老问题了。那天突然看到豆瓣上有人问这问题,俺就把他翻译了。都是方言俚语,很难翻译啊,给挑挑错吧?

=====开始=====

这个问题不难回答,只要你能耐下心烦听我解释。在一本1999年出书里面,正好有你这个问题的答案,肯尼思·卡彭特写的《龙蛋、龙窝和龙宝贝:恐龙生产问题研究》(Eggs, Nests, and Baby Dinosaurs: A Look at Dinosaur Reproduction),印第安娜大学出版社出版。肯尼思五岁的时候第一次见到哥斯拉,他的兴趣一下子迸发,经过不懈努力终于写出了这本既学术又大众化的书。一方面,我们可以在这本书里面找到学术论文必备的表格、插图和参考资料;另一方面,书中又有些通俗的问题。书的第五章就叫“恐龙如何干那事儿”,这不就是你想从哥斯拉官方攻略(The Official Godzilla Compendium)里找到的东西?

你总是能从书中得到很多好知识。书的前面几章有这样的说法:“鉴于鸟类和爬行动物的性腺都埋藏在身体里面,我们有理由相信恐龙也是这样的——所以不会有个什么玩艺儿吊在外面...”我得强调,虽然我欣赏肯尼思的口语化风格,但咱也得搞清楚他的深层意思。

上文引述的内容中说道,恐龙身上吊着得那玩艺儿好像...好像...好像啥来着?嗯,这样说吧,咱们哺乳动物在这方面不好与他们找出个相似点来——与你不同,恐龙是爬行动物。事实上,我们根本无法确定,(男,译者注)恐龙到底有木有JJ——如果真的有,说不定也是隐藏起来的。恐龙交配最有可能的方式,应该是“泄殖腔接吻”(kissing cloacae)。泄殖腔是鸟类和爬行动物身上的一个多功能的器官,它同时负责交配、撒尿和排大便。你看,这玩艺儿一出场,立即就让恐龙之间的爱情没那么罗曼蒂克了,那咱也得继续说下去。说,一对恐龙准备做爱的时候,他们得先让泄殖腔并置,然后阴`茎或者半阴`茎(如果恐龙真有dd的话)从公恐龙身体里挤出并嵌入母恐龙的泄殖腔中,结合之后就可以进行物质交换了。肯尼思的理论认为,雌恐龙的外阴(注意,此为学术名词——译者)跟当今鳄鱼的bb有点儿像,所以我们也认为雄恐龙有JJ,这才能跟鳄鱼差不多。

这事儿听起来是很简单,可实行起来未必这么简单。有人怀疑恐龙性交的难度大于联盟号空间站与和平号空间站对接。首先,你都指出来了,恐龙的大尾巴是个不小的问题。有人提出,恐龙做爱可以按照“蜥蜴模式”进行:男恐龙从背后进入,然后把尾巴扭曲到女恐龙身子底下,直到他们的泄殖孔相接。肯尼思找到了Beverly Halstead画的一幅画,画里有两只做爱中的梁龙,他们的尾巴迷人地缠在一起。但是他认为这种设定不太符合恐龙解剖学的研究——典型的恐龙尾巴是又硬又直抵举着的,因为恐龙用它来保持平衡。要把这种尾巴卷起来可不怎么容易。

肯尼思提出了另一套理论。他认为恐龙是用“家猫体位”(原文“housecat-style”,这方面俺也不懂——译者)进行性交。女恐龙爬在地上,举起屁股并把尾巴扭向一旁以便露出尿殖孔;男恐龙骑在后面,前腿支在母恐龙的背上,有时候甚至腿抬起一根后腿以便于器官的紧密结合。

我觉着这个办法能够奏效。尽管研究了许多恐龙交配的想象图,你“背上长着大板子的剑龙如何用这种姿势交配呢?这问题也不难,”他写道,“女剑龙也是要趴下,后腿蹬直,男剑龙可以很轻松地把前腿放到母恐龙宽大的骨盆一旁。更难想象的是,一百五十米多米长,一百多吨重的蜥脚类双腔龙(Diplodocus-like sauropod Amphicoelias)如何交配。其实,当动物长到这么大的时候很可能已经过了更年期很长时间了。”你完全有理由相信肯尼思的理论:每天我们都能在商业街看到一些身材像恐龙一样好的人——但是最终他们也能很好地做爱。有志者事竟成嘛!

现在,这本书最迷人的部分就要出场:由艺术家刘易斯·雷彩绘的“肉食恐龙春宫图”(Carnotaurus sex)。 假如这个能做成《花花公子》中间折页的样式,书的销量一定大增。书中有对暴龙浪漫做爱的生动描绘——咱们看起来,这姿势怎么那么像橄榄球运动员要起跑呢?男暴龙双眼圆瞪的表情说明他刚交了货,而那只母恐龙看起来有略点儿紧张,说不定这是她第一次呢。当是时,翼龙盘旋于头顶,地上的蒸汽嘶嘶直冒,这震撼人心的场景充分表明:恐龙做爱的时候不免要伴随着地动山摇。

# Cute Comments 采集器
这个 说:

(赵老师浑厚男低音)在北半球进入春天的时候,大大小小的恐龙开始进行交配,由于它们体型实在是庞大无比,在繁衍后代的同时,还造成了一定程度上地壳的板块漂移和碰撞。后来著名学者达尔文留下了一句著名的话"恐龙做爱,地球受不了"


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